The Best of Me

I was talking to one of my male friends about relationships. We got to the topic of why we did not work out and it was funny how a 10 minute conversation has enlightened me tremendously about my role in my relationships. He told me how much he enjoys our friendship...how he loves being able to confide in me and be honest. He told me how attracted he is to me and how he would love to have a physical relationship. In my mind, bells went off because it is usually this type of conversation that leads into the dilemma of sleeping with mr. right now, or maintaining my friendship. I have had this conversation more times than I'd like to admit. I advised him that I have so much more to offer than just sex. He told me he knew this and that this is why he cherished our friendship so much. He says that the next step in such a close friendship is to express our mutual attraction between the sheets. Although I do agree that I would love to take this friendship to the next level, I began to wonder why he made it so obviously clear that although he loved me as a person, and wanted to sleep with me, he had no desire to have a serious relationship with me. He went on to explain that he did not want the arguments and hatred that could come of a relationship. It was important for him to always be able to maintain our friendship. But in essence, what he wanted was a friends with benefits type of relationship. Don't get me wrong. In this day and age, that theory is very liberal and free spirited. But it assumes that human beings can turn off emotion once it gets to a certain point. And we all know it can't be done. Everything is always changing. Once you enter into an arrangement like that, either it gets better or worse. If you like it, you want more. If you don't like it, you want less. And lets hope that you both want the same things (more or less). In my mind, a friendship just isn't worth the gamble. If you want to make love, there are no rules. There are no boundaries or formats of how to control it. It just takes off and never stops until it's too stifled or broken to go any further. It would be different if he just wanted to get laid. That would be pretty easy. He wants to make love and be loved and cared for. He wants the texts and phone calls without any obligation or commitment. He wants me in a negligee, hair done, and freshly groomed. No day to day struggles, morning breath or dirty laundry. He wants the best of me. And only the best of me. This is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. But I am pondering it, because it reminds me of the mistress syndrome. Where the grass is greener because it is cultivated to be that way. A chance for her to be perfect in his eyes. All of my life I have saved the best of me for the man who will accept the worst in me also. Is it fair that a man who never sees my flaws, my humanity, my struggles and imperfections, should be the one who gets the best of me?

Less trouble to be alone

I remember reading a horoscope that said that I may sometimes feel as if I am not of this world-like I was all alone. And that is how I feel sometimes. I look around at all of the people who have been placed in my life and I wonder why (in spite of so many people), do I always feel alone. I have a trusting nature, and I honestly want to believe the best in people. I take them at face value. I have a hard time with the concept of deceit. I don't know why people just don't lay their cards on the table. There is ulterior motives in almost every relationship I've had. So I lay my cards on the table only for the others to look at them and walk away without showing theirs. I am sick of that gamble. There is no payoff. Lies and tricks to get you where people want you to be. While I revel in being needed, others revel in using me. And the more that I try to be on the lookout for bullshit, the better people get at hiding their agenda. I go back to my mantra that I can only change me, so I am wondering what I am supposed to change. Do I just stop trusting people? Resign to the fact that I can only have shallow relationships so as to protect my feelings? Do I not offer my help or expertise when presented with a cry for help? I don't know if I can harden myself this way. I don't want to be hardened this way. So for now, I think I will take a social break. Just until I can figure out how to live in my world full of liars and still maintain my integrity without being fooled.

What is a deal breaker?

In my marathon dating as of late, I have started weeding out the men that I know I can't do anything with. In the grand scheme of things, I just want a nice, smart, funny, handsome guy who isn't a pushover. Of course he needs to be sexy and have good hygiene also. So all of these things are things that I could have put on a list when I was 7 years old. But as a grown woman who is wiser, more experienced than that little girl, I know now what constitutes as being a deal breaker. The qualities that I am looking for are somewhat more defined and specific but I try to keep my options open. It's so funny because when I was younger, I knew what my deal breaker list consisted of, yet I still tried to push myself into acceptance of these things. I sat through endless dates with men that I knew from the jump, were not meant for me only to realize that the more I tried to force these things on myself, the more impossible they became to ignore. So as not to seem too pretentious, I allowed others to talk me into compromising when I knew I should have cut the relationship off immediately. I did not want to appear as being too picky or hard to please. But in getting to know myself, and owning my preferences, I have learned that I don't have to apologize to anyone for what makes me happy. I am entitled to do it my way. Although I haven't spent a lot of time enduring miserable relationships, I have wasted enough time to not want to waste anymore. I can recall several "fix ups" where the trusted friend tells me how attractive and wonderful the guy is. Then I meet him, and know on site that this isn't going to work. All this because they are going by their list of qualities that they like in the guy, which usually has little to do with me & my preferences. So I quit saying yes to blind dates, and I stopped sitting up entertaining a deal breaker guy just to be nice.

In an essence a deal breaker is a quality or trait that serves as an obstacle that is impossible to get over. It is not a matter of high or low standards, but a personal preference. It is based on but not limited to one's experience, ideals, and upbringing. Nobody can tell you what your yardstick should consist of no matter how well they know you. Beware of those who try. It's like someone telling you what your favorite food should be. Or what your favorite color is. Your taste is your taste, and you have to learn to stand by it. Because men will try to talk you into it, and friends will try to steer you into it. But when you like someone, you don't need any pushing, or coaxing. You go after it full force no matter what anyone says. To know what your deal breakers are, is to know yourself. Once you know yourself, you don't have to apologize for what you like (or don't like). You just keep picking through until you find one that you can seal the deal with. The ones you can't deal with, you can politely put into the "friend" catagory or just pitch them altogether. But no matter how long or tedious, you don't have to settle. Because the only one who suffers when you settle, is you.

No stone unturned

There is a great movie about dating. It is called "Must Love Dogs". It is about a woman (Diane Lane) who is getting back in the saddle and looking for Mr. Right. Her sisters put her on an internet dating site, where she ends up going out on a date. Strangely enough the guy who she is meeting turns out to be her father. She is severely disappointed and ready to give up when she meets a very nice guy. After she meets the guy, she starts dating him and really likes him. He seems to really like him. She likes him so much that she sleeps with him. After that, she catches him with another woman and becomes very discouraged. She is frustrated with the whole process until she realizes the guy that she overlooked. Most women can identify with her struggle and it really hits home. It can be a very difficult process to weed through the good looking frogs that turn out to be pigs. It can be extremely frustrating too, because men seem so oblivious to what we are truly looking for in them. I think most times, telling the truth would get them a lot farther than just telling us what they think we want to hear. The lies and the run around is what makes it a headache. Anyhow, I thought about that movie when I opened my online dating account. I told myself that I was leaving no stone unturned, but I also began to wonder if this was the perfect platform for liars and bullshitters. Oh well, I am just proceeding with caution. I am shielding my heart and doing my thing. I want to have fun (not sex) but not too much without knowing who I am dealing with. If I don't find mr. right, I am sure going to have fun with mr. right now!

The Bar Scene is OUT

Ok, I tried it again. My girlfriend and I decided we would venture back out this weekend. We do it everytime. We get all prettied up and hit the road. We come in, get drinks talk and laugh and leave. We met some interesting characters but I must admit that the prospect of finding a cheeseburger was more exciting than anyone I met while I was out there. In contemplating our disappointment, we then had a conversation about what we were looking to accomplish when we go out on the town. We gathered that it's fun to get our nice clothes/hair/makeup on and go and get oggled. Even though neither of us are on a man hunt, it is nice to be reminded when you "still got it". Plus, we always get some good laughs to talk about later. It's just enjoying each other's company, and taking it on somewhat of a field trip. Once we put it in perspective, it was all good. And so was my cheeseburger. LOL

Out & about

So last weekend, I went out with my girlfriends. We went to a party at a friend's house and then went bar hopping. We were having a good time, laughing and talking. We all looked great, and we were glad to be out on the town. It was fun and all, but when I got home I realized that I have had just as much fun at home. And it's cheaper too. There were no really interesting characters that came into the equation, so it didn't make any difference if we went out or stayed in. After a while, I noticed that one of my friends was spending a lot of time texting back and forth with her boyfriend. I don't mind it, because I like to text also. But when it got to the point where she wasn't participating in the conversation, or paying attention to us at all, it got to be annoying. Her mood was deteriorating with each text and she was getting upset. That is when we decided to go on home. I had a good time and all, but I am beginning to think that going out is truly over rated. It was almost a waste of good hair & makeup, but sometimes you just have to get out. This time, I will think twice about who I invite to go with me.